July 14, 2010

I Have BIG Dreams

Posted in Emo Day, Grown-Up Life, Whiskey Night at 12:29 AM by TKWatson

I’ve always been one of those people with a PLAN…  One of those people with a VISION…  One of those people with a GOAL, DANG-IT!  You know the type… “Type A”, Firstborn (birth order psychology is one of my favorite subjects.  Note to self – excellent idea for a post topic…). I like lists. I like schedules.  I like order, stability, and consistency in a big bad way.

When I was a Sophomore in High School, I decided that my goal was to graduate in the top ten of my high school class.  (Don’t ask me why I decided this… I think it may have had something to do with an erroneous (and WAY ridiculous) belief that doing so was the only ticket to a full ride scholarship to the in-state school of my dreams… ASU.  (Excuse me while I laugh at my former self… HAHAHAHA… oh.  uh-hem.)  Little did I know that they practically hand out full ride scholarships at ASU to anyone who can spell their name correctly on the SATs… I’m so proud of my alma matter… school spirit, yo!)   Anywho… Let me tell you something… I worked my BUTT off to try and reach that goal.  (Mom and Dad… remember all those nights you had to talk me off the ledge as I sat crying in front of the television, having a nervous breakdown, shoveling large amounts of ice cream into my face because I was paralyzed with anxiety over the MASSIVE amounts of homework (and Mock Trial stuff) I had to do?  Good times, right?!  Riiiight.)  The first semester of my senior year, I almost lost it.  But luckily (in an exciting twist of events!), those just behind me in the race to the top (ten) had senioritis even worse than I did annnddd they saved my ass by slacking off at least as much as I did, allowing me to maintain my spot despite the slip in my GPA.  (Thanks for that, guys.)  In the end, I managed to graduate NUMBER TEN (in my class of around 450)!  That’s right BIOTCHES!  It might have been the bottom of the top, but it was still in the top ten.  That was good enough for me.  (I might be crazy and a perfectionist, but I’m also WAY too lazy, and not quite genius enough, to have tried to catch those above me… numbers 9 and above were like crazy smart mutant children who could do calculus in their sleep.  I didn’t need to be the best that badly, yo.)

Then came college.  I started out as a Psych major. (side-note… when I originally tried to type psych, I actually typed pscyho… Freudian slip…?  Perhaps.  Seriously hilarious in so many ways?  Definitely.)  I decided somewhere around the first semester of my sophomore year that psych wasn’t the right answer to the question “what’s your major going to be?” because I couldn’t do much with a Bachelors in psychology except go straight to grad school and I really wasn’t sure I wanted to do that.  So, I decided I wanted something that I could use straight out of undergrad.  Lights flashed before my eyes and I saw the words “BUSINESS DEGREE” in neon.  (Mostly because I couldn’t think of anything else that would meet my criteria and I was too lazy to do research on it.  Plus, I figured I could make decent money with a business degree.)  Problem was, the business degree and psych degree had completely different pre-requisites.  So… switching majors would have meant that I’d wasted a year and a half of my life AND a year and a half of that scholarship that I’d work so dang hard for.  So I did the only logical thing I could think of.  My new goal became to finish TWO majors.  AND I had to finish them both in four years (before my scholorahip (that I’d work so dang hard for) ran out).  So I kept taking the courses for the psych degree and started taking business courses.  I quickly fell in love with Economics and decided this would be my business concentration.  (The irony here?  I had NO idea what I could do with an econ degree.  Turns out… not a whole helluva lot in the state of Arizona.  Luckily, I managed to make it work.  Now if I could only figure out how to make it work in Alaska…)  Somehow, I managed to finish my undergrad with two degrees, while working twenty hours a week during the school year and full time during breaks, being actively involved in a few on-campus activites, having a personal life (sorta), and graduating magna cum laude.  All in four years.  Maybe not the greatest feat of all times, but I was pretty proud of myself.

Then there was the real world.  My vision for the real world was to become a powerhouse woman in the world of business.  First goal for achieving said vision was… to get a job.  A good job.  So… I took the professional route.  I Googled “consulting firms in Arizona”.  (Super awesome method, I know…)  Eventually I stumbled upon the BSBH and decided that THIS.WAS.IT.  This was the job I HAD.TO.HAVE.  I practically stalked the recruiter for the BSBH (oddly enough, said recruiter is now the person that I work most directly for…).  I talked to every person I could think of and pulled every trick I’d been taught in business school 101 (that was actually a real class at ASU… except it was 301…) to try and win the hearts of those in charge of hiring at the BSBH.  I studied for the interview.  I asked questions and gave no-bull-shit, bull-shit answers during the interview. I sent thank you notes to the interviewers.  I guess I must have done something right because when I graduated with my two degrees in four years, I also graduated with a job offer from a fairly prestigious consulting firm, the BSBH.

So… life was perfect.  I’d accomplished all the things that I’d set my mind to since high school.  I was on top of the world.  Now all I needed to do was to mystify these people with my brilliance and rise quickly to being the youngest female CEO of some major corporation in the history of corporations.  Unnnntil shit hit the fan and I realized that I hated the BSBH, and everything it stood for, with the fiery passion of a thousand million suns.  Now add to that the moment that I said “yes” to G thereby dedicating myself to becoming a military wife, not living in any one place for longer than four years at a time for the next [insert some unknown medium to big number here] years, and being almost guaranteed to be living at least several states away from my beloved family for same number of years.  Multiply all of that by the confusion surrounding mine and G’s current living situation (discussed here) and the complications that abound with regard to me moving to Alaska anytime before mid year next year, if I don’t manage to miraculously get a new job in Alaska by the time we get married in October.  Know what that equals?  It equals one helluva confused blonde — that’s what it equals.  (I’ve never been that great at math… good thing I majored in something that revolves around mathematical concepts and work in a place where math is the name of the game, huh?)

Suddenly, for the first time in almost ten years, I have no plan.  I have no vision.  I have absolutely no goals.   There is one thing and one thing only that I know.  I love G… and he is worth it all.  But the fact remains, I have no idea what to do with myself.  I’ve had so many crazy-headed ideas in the last year and a half or so, it’s absurd.  I’ve wanted to open my own clothing boutique, and then I wanted to take that one step further and start my own clothing line.  (I still pink fluffy heart the latter idea, except that I can’t draw to save my life so I have about as much chance at making it happen as a monkey has of making it in a canoe across an alligator infested swamp.)  Then I wanted to be a stay-at-home trophy wife.  Until I remembered that G and I couldn’t pay 100% of our joint bills on 50% of our joint income.  Next, I wanted to be a commercial pilot for about 3.25 seconds until I realized the thousands of reasons why that would be the worst job ever for me.  (I doubt I could physically handle it, plus I’d probably hate the schedule as much as I currently hate my work schedule (or lack there of) of at the BSBH.  See: “I like order, stability, and consistency in a big bad way” above.  Oh… and nights and weekends.  What I’m saying really is I like the 8 to 5 thing…)  Lastly, (and I actually attempted to go for this one) I wanted to get a virtual position with the BSBH (only in a corporate admin-type position rather than a consulting position… which I think would have sucked much less, especially given that it was a virtual position) that I felt was the answer to all of my problems.  I had high hopes of getting it, though my gut told me that it was a long shot.  Alas, God, I guess, has other plans because I didn’t get it.  (When I’m feeling a little blue about this, I remember how much I wanted my current position at the BSBH, and how much I now wish that God had’ve told me “no” to that wish; I just figure he knows better than me.)  So… now what?!

Now…

I’m going to be a bloggess extraordinaire!!!  Writing posts that move the hearts of the entire free world while simultaneously making people roll on the floor with laughter, and that eventually leading to writing deals, motivational speaker appearances, talk shows, and someday… Hollywood on the big screen.  (Told you I dream big…)

Ok… so… making a career out of being a blogger probably isn’t as easy as it sounds.  And it’s probably less than probable.  ( I guesstimate there is about a .000000001% chance of it ever coming to fruition.)

So… back to  square one.  What am I going to do?  No plan, no vision, no goal (aside from the goal of setting a goal…).

The one thing I have is the knowledge that I’ve always managed to reach my goals before.  Once I figure out what it is I’m working towards, I can do it if I give it my all.  I just hope that by the time I figure it out, I still manage to consciously remember that about myself.  Some days that particular memory gets lost in all the confusion; I’m starting to forget to remember.  I need something to remind me before I forget all together and can’t find the confidence to dream big anymore.

I wish it were really this easy…

(Source: blingdomofgod.com)

Advertisements

2 Comments »

  1. tabbi said,

    SOME of us had MONO, not senioritis. And you’re welcome for the rank boost. 😛

    • TKWatson said,

      Haha. I was actually thinking about you and couldn’t remember if you were in the top ten or not. I remember now… Way to go on kissing too many boys. 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: